last night while i was brushing my teeth, i noticed that the brand of floss i use, on its packaging, offers a money back guarantee if i'm not satisfied with the floss
i wonder how long the process of filing a, like, report of dissatisfaction would take. like, and the red tape of them reviewing this report, or my calling them or something. how many people would have to deal with this, the chain of command involved, and how many of these money back guarantees they make good on every year. it feels impossible to me, in our contemporary moment, to think of someone going through the process of actually getting this through, but, on the other hand, it seems easy to imagine a lorrie moore character doing this. i don't know
another thing that happened last night was i misremembered the song "kiss off" by the violent femmes as "suck off" in trying to think of a way to tell a person to go away, in my head. a person i was thinking about, but wasn't there, but that i didn't want to be thinking about. "suck off" already means something, whereas "kiss off" is kind of unique to the song... but if "suck off" meant something else... like "get the hell out of here!" i'd like that
today i worked my shift at the park slope food coop. i'm a cashier there. it sucks. a woman told me i was trying to rip her off because i rang up her potatoes as the wrong variety. we got into a very calm, subdued altercation, of which many of the witnesses agreed i was in the right. the weird thing being that, while i was ringing up her potatoes... oh wait, i forgot to mention she was on the phone while i was ringing her up. i hate it so much when people are on the phone trying to buy stuff. it's so rude, and i thought, well, serves her right (not in those words exactly, but that sentiment), when i weighed the potatoes as "mini loose potatoes," which is what they looked like, and saw that it cost three dollars and something cents. she was upset, i guess, because the potatoes, the way she wanted them rang up, cost around a dollar. and even though i wasn't trying to rip her off, i did derive pleasure from seeing her be potentially charged what seemed like a lot for potatoes because she was talking on her phone, and i didn't feel like interrupting her to ask how to ring them up. not that i would've anyway. they looked like "mini loose potatoes" to me, but she said they were "organic golden [something]." like ok what do i know. anyway, when she said i was trying to rip her off, i said i'd been mistaken and hadn't asked her what variety potatoes they were because she was on the phone. the whole thing felt like a lot. i'd looked for parking for thirty-two minutes before my shift had begun
another thought i had was, if i were a very famous celebrity, would i be able to work at the park slope food coop? people would harass or be interested in taking pictures of me, probably, or something, but i wouldn't want to compromise my beliefs in order to avoid this kind of exposure. like, i believe the park slope food coop has the healthiest, most ethically-sourced, widest selection, and best deal on produce and spices and many other things of anywhere in new york city. if i were a celebrity, i wouldn't suddenly stop feeling this way. it would be terrible not to be able to shop there or work there. it crosses my mind i could have a surrogate worker/shopper, but that seems to defeat the purpose of belonging to a food coop. i think i would just try to work there and keep a low profile, and maybe it would be fun for everyone. but also, if i were a very famous celebrity, i'd likely be rich and in-the-know about maybe very exclusive ways to get even better, healthier, more ethical food, and cost wouldn't be as much of an issue
i wanted to type about one more thing, so i will. the couple who has lived out of a mini-suv on my block on and off for the past six or so months are back. the last i saw them, derek (or derrick), a younger, probably mid-thirties black guy was banging on the car window, while marina, an older, middle-aged white eastern-european (i think) woman, continued to drive, despite derek's efforts to stop her. they often argue in the middle of the night, and they seemed like junkies to me. one of derek's friends called marina a "russian crackhead" after this incident, in which derek clung to the passenger door, while she sped away, dragging him, then driving over his leg. i was witness to this because i was bringing my laundry to my car to go to the laundromat because i was afraid my clothes and sheets were contaminated with ringworm. i'm still not sure about if they were or not. anyway, marina drove away, and a firetruck, ambulance and police car came for derek. he told the cops it was a random hit and run, because he didn't want to sell out his girlfriend, i guess. they have a dog named cora and a cat they're always trying to give away that live in the car with them. i figured i wouldn't see them again, but i did today, and i hated it
marina said "did she find a new place?" she meaning katie. katie sort of lived with me during the summertime while i was working on my book and her room in the apartment she was subletting didn't have a window and it was always ten degrees cooler down here because of the water. tomorrow she's moving to a different sublet, i suggested we make jack-o-lanterns. i said "yeah" to marina, and marina said "how you? you don't look good." i said "i'm not good. i'm going to go to my place and rest." i was carrying groceries in a cardboard box. cora was jumping around my legs. i could see derek's figure, like a shadow, moving around across the street. marina and i were separated by the street, though her dog was jumping around me. marina was acting like everything was normal. i felt mildly so mad at her
going to keep reading matthew rohrer's 'the others' now. thanks
2 comments:
i recently had a similar experience to the one you're describing or speculating about regarding trying to get a dissatisfaction refund for floss.. i received an email from ace hardware 15% off online purchase today only it said, so i, needing wide-mouth mason jars for some kitchen projects im doing, and knowing they sold them on there, went on the site to redeem my discount, which it said would be applied when the items were added to my cart.
okay so this is twenty four dollars worth of jars — a dozen quart sized and a dozen half pint — so fifteen percent is, what, three dollars give or take. well the cart wasn't reflecting my discount; it just was giving me 10% off for in-store pickup, which had already been available other times i'd purchased mason jars from this location.
the fine print for the fifteen percent off coupon in my inbox says it doesn't stack with other deals, so at this point i'm trying to get five percent more off the list price than i would on any given day but i'm determined, so i click around the website, try other items in the cart, and find that some of them do apply the fifteen percent off and assuming that this is some kind of clerical error call ace support. they pride themselves on customer service at ace by the way.
it takes twenty minutes for someone to answer the phone, during which time i'm listening to that hold music and needing to pee but not wanting to step away and miss the person answering the phone. the woman who answers, lets call her marta, is really nice. she goes on the website and attempts to get the discount to work with the jars that i'm buying. just using the website on her end and putting in my information, which i thought was endearing. it probably takes her ten minutes to verify that, no, the coupon isn't getting applied. she finds out my zip code and tells me she also lives in brooklyn. but then she asks me about the weather which i'm confused about given that we're supposedly in the same place. more talking and eventually she gets her supervisor who clarifies to her that the coupon is only for electronics.
i'm not really expecting anything at this point but it's the principle of the thing and i've already spent so much time; i kind of whimper but it didn't say that on the email. well, marta, she gets the supervisor again and asks him — sorry for assuming supervisor is a man but given the statistics and whatnot — but the supervisor tells her no that they can't make a one time special exception to give me the extra 5 percent off.
had i just worked for the thirty plus minutes i spent on this i'd have made more money than i was trying to save but had she given me the five percent i think it would have felt pretty good.
google made me click so many pictures of street signs to verify im not a robot before i could post this.
Hahahahahahahaba
Blogspot baby
Dave
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