12/4/17

cynthia ozick spent a good deal of her career, or what i've read of it, reflecting on the character of the failed artist. "envy," "virility," "the suitcase," "usurpation (other peoples stories)," "actors" and "what happened to the baby?" are just a few stories that come to mind

it's not, like, an uncommon theme for writers (or other artists) to explore. and this fascination with failure, or with people who deem themselves some sort of "unrecognized genius," it's a natural thing for an artist to think about. maybe out of worry or fear, maybe just a product of idle reflection. that they should fixate on this notion, or this experience, one they may or may not have had, i'm not surprised by that being a thing

what it makes me think about, though, is all the failed artists, as well as all the deluded dilettantes that make up a culture. culture depends on these people. we fetishize them. as a society, we've decided to revere the suffering, struggling, abject artist, who, despite repeated rejection, even humiliation, perseveres, and continues to throw him/herself into the creative process without any external recognition or validation. we view people like this (van gogh is probably the greatest example) as having the highest, most upstanding moral character. their fervor for what they believe in in the face of universal doubt

what we don't think as much about, i feel, is how much these people's lives must suck. genuinely an awful way to exist. being so wrapped up in expectation vs. reality. and just, like, daily, constant questioning of reality, and "purpose" or whatever. totally unsettling

(do i feel like i'm like this? i do and i don't. i might be deluded, in which case... maybe it doesn't suck so badly to live that way...)

anyway, ozick, she kind of tends to take a mocking tone re these folks. she focuses on the futility and the stupidity of their resolve. it's kind of depressing, especially because she speaks to it with such unwavering certainty and humor, and it's so effective. i find myself, though more definitely aligned with the failing artist, often, like, "rooting for" the narrative "joke" on them

i don't know

i don't know how long ozick struggled to find her voice, or actualized her creative pursuits, or if she's even that well respected outside a very tiny portion of a population of literary people, and if that's ever been enough for her. she was nearly forty before her first book was published, and probably, in a survey of americans, less than a third of a percent would (at any time since she's been published, i feel) recognize her name. so maybe she's just working through that

i sometimes watch a video of her on youtube asking norman mailer a question at a reading, or something along those lines, in what appears to be the early seventies. here is the link: https://youtu.be/eCTl0E8D8i8

it's funny. she's relatively young in the video, before her career had really taken off (i think she'd published her first novel, maybe her first story collection), and still she's so resolute, so bright and well-spoken. clearly she's wildly smart, but she's also kind of mean, which is fine. i don't care about norman mailer. but i wonder how she might look back on that moment had she never published another book, had she been panned across the board and nobody would go near her work and she became just another flailing self-imposing intellectual. i'm sure it would've been fine. maybe she doesn't remember asking the question

she mentions "sontag" while she's talking, leading me to believe susan sontag had been at the event

oh, i just googled it. it's from a documentary called 'town bloody hall' (1971) about a panel discussion where feminists and other literary people gathered to criticize norman mailer to his face re the publication of 'the prisoner of sex' (1971). in that case, she probably does remember asking teh question. kind of fitting to what i've been thinking about. seems cool, i think i'd like to watch it... what a treat that would be

otherwise, i just made an edible using only kief, as i'm out of any other forms of weed. i think i put in too much, but i'm not sure. my scale hasn't come in the mail yet. also, my car has been working fine in spite of maybe overfilling the gas tank, so maybe the edible will be okay with too much kief as well