2/3/18

i'm somewhat appalled to find myself in my late twenties more alienated and regimented in my neuroses than ever. i'm also more accepting, forgiving and kind, i feel, which is good. the world is just entropy. my ability to control the things that affect me is wildly limited. i accept being alone. i accept futility. i resent some people i see when i leave the house. i have hate in my heart for rotten, misguided people. maybe i don't... not sure what i mean

my parents must really think i'm some kind of a piece of shit, they didn't tell me my grandfather, who lives with them, had a stroke a few weeks ago until i inquired about visiting them sometime in the coming weeks

i have too much time off work. i'm going to start going to yoga, i think

zoe gave me three miniature green tea kit-kats from japan. i might try to meet her in the city and sit at a computer next to her and work on writing. i feel inspired, in my otherwise helplessness, in writing. i have been working on something new. it feels filled with possibility, like life sometimes does. i slept three hours last night, and i feel bleak

twelve days ago, which was a monday, i wrote about this. about not sleeping. i took a nap at katie's, and i usually can't nap, and i was, um, a little brooding afterwards. i keep feeling convinced the world will end before i go broke. human history will have entirely merged with some other form of deep time, or a new technological non-history. it doesn't matter that i think like this. every week there's something new wrong with my car. i spent $140 fixing a thermostat thing, i'm not sure what it was. my mechanic said he flushed my anti-freeze, which i don't, if i'm being honest with myself, truly understand... what that is...

katie got on a plane today, but i didn't bring her to the airport this time. five days ago, which was tuesday, we went upstate, around the catskills, and stayed in a cabin together. we went to several thrift stores. the ones i can remember were the tibetan center in kingston, half moon books in kingston, c.o.r.e. values in stamford, roxbury library in roxbury, margaretville memorial thrift in margaretville, castaways in the woods in woodstock and also a community center off one those little highways, maybe, um... i want to say, like "30"(?), that had closed fifteen minutes before we got there, so we couldn't go inside. there was what appeared to be an abandoned artist's studio nearby. we got out of the car, and katie took pictures. we stopped at a farm stand and bought horrible food, and the guy, vinny, had pet turkeys. i felt so happy, just driving around, listening to music, though i never felt particularly focused on the music. i felt focused on the happiness. i felt fairly present in the experience, like it was going to go away from me, and we walked outside an abandoned church and tried to find a place where they sold beagle puppies and looked at miniature horses, and katie jumped up and down, she said seeing the miniature horses would be enough to keep her feeling good for days. on the drive back into the city, we ran into horrible traffic and listened to "pretty girl" by clairo, and we made animal noises, first cat noises, later dog ones, to entertain ourselves and each other, and in the morning i dropped katie off at her apartment, and i felt like for the first time i could really not be in denial about things being different, about our relationship being over, not wanting to acknowledge this change, but being required to, maybe cosmically, or at least by my own self-awareness. i later described it as, like, "chapter six of my life ending," pointlessly i described it like this, and yesterday we ate soup and stuffed cabbage, and today she left new york again. and she'll be back, and i just want to be kind, but i know the world is always changing, and i just want to accept it

in the cabin i had trouble setting a fire in the wood burning stove, but then i got the fire going and it felt so nice. we drank wine and smoked weed. katie gave me her weed last night. it's called "gorilla glue." the kind i already had is called "deadhead og." i'm going to eat an edible later and try to vanish into myself. i want to empty myself of expectation. i want to lean into the universe and let it do its thing. we watched 'sin city' (2005) and i dreamed that we witnessed a coverup of some kind of major crime from the window of the cabin and were discovered witnessing it and that the cabin burned down and other terrible things, and we drank coffee in the morning and spoke candidly and i felt so lucky to know someone i could talk to like that, even though the subject matter was confusing, sometimes painful. i no longer carry around the anger that plagued me for decades. my eye is twitching. the mountains were covered in glassy sheets of ice

while we were driving, katie said "your car sounds good" and "it's got a nice hum" or something like that. within thirty seconds of her saying that, though, the "service engine soon" light came on. this had never happened before. it was staggering... and we laughed and talked about it, and i felt haunted

i got drunk last night. being around people is sort of poisonous. why do so many people seem committed to lacking self-awareness? when i ask questions like that, i feel like i'm "trying it out," trying out what it's like to ask a meaningless, unanswerable question. i feel like what i'm attempting to consider is along the lines of how people talk about "getting lost" in their thoughts, rather than taking the time and interest to examine and analyze them. i do love my friends. they're wonderful. conor had me sleep on the couch, and we ate sandwiches and he put on "mood" by lil uzi vert for me around four or five o'clock, but, in general, i had a great difficulty socializing. there were all these familiar, ideologically unfriendly faces at the bar we were at, earlier. people who go around to be around other people. i wanted to wish lily a happy birthday. i've known her almost four years, which i remembered last night and found surprising

i'm lovesick. it's okay. it doesn't bother me. i want to sleep for twelve or fifteen hours. i wish i liked baths more. i wish there was a shower in the warehouse i sometimes work out of in greenpoint, so i could shower there after doing yoga, maybe. i want to drink kombucha. i love fermented things. i think cannabis has immuno-therapeutic properties, because i get sick less than i ever used to, and i consume more cannabis than i ever used to, but the two might be unrelated

i never want to stop typing here. i never want to betray my heart. i want to be guided by the things i instinctually trust. i don't trust almost anyone. it's getting more and more obvious that i don't want to burden people with my troubles, but that i depend on people. certain people. i'm like that too. i'm a person, like everyone else, but i don't want to live dishonestly, for any reason. i have nothing to gain from doing anything other than trusting my emotions

the other day i tweeted "i'd die for someone like not take a bullet but fill out a lot of paperwork and be euthanized for someone i love" and i think it's true. i'm worried about the next sixty years. not societally, but for myself. what will i fill my time with? i can't do drugs and putz around forever. but i guess life isn't forever anyway. i can't assume there'll be anyone to save me. there isn't intervention. i spoke in cliches with katie all week, accidentally. i understand 'blonde' (2016) by frank ocean in a way i never did before. i understand it more every time i listen to it. i drive around in my car crying. i feel richer and denser than i did a year ago. i've learned a lot. i've changed a little bit. i'm maybe more mature. i made mistakes, and i'm trying to address them. i haven't lied almost at all in a very long time. sometimes i find myself wanting to apologize to people when i haven't done anything wrong

i went over to zachary's and we watched deleted scenes from 'the office' and i was confused. i was on ketamine and convinced that we were actually in my apartment, and that zachary was playing a joke on me, somehow. we talked about four years ago, and times before and after that. i referenced something as it was like we were "drunk tv" like that's what our life together had been. i feel comfortable talking to zachary one-on-one like that. i feel nervous about really finding out what it is to be alone. zachary was excited i'd gone upstate, and earlier that day, which was two days ago, which was thursday, the airbnb people from the cabin messaged me something about how i "still" hadn't responded to them about a missing brown comforter and they'd have to charge me a compensation fee, but they'd never mentioned this comforter before, and there hadn't been a brown comforter in the cabin, and i explained it to them and wrote "this is stressing me out" in the message and they said they believed me. i felt incredibly offended that they would think i would want to steal or have anything to do with a brown comforter

and a week before katie and i went upstate, i went to the dentist. i don't have dental insurance, so i'd purchased a voucher from groupon to pay for the cleaning. at the office they explained i had to get x-rays because i was a first time patient, and when i told them i didn't want x-rays they told me i didn't have a choice, if i wanted the cleaning, and because i was already out the $35 from the voucher, i reluctantly agreed, and they gave me eighteen x-rays, which is fourteen more than i've ever gotten on a single day for a dental exam before, and i argued with them and wanted to cry i felt manipulated and now i hope i don't get cancer, and i'm considering not going back to any dentist again

i don't know what to do. i'm in control of how i interact with other people, animals, things, and how i interact with myself. i don't want to take a shower, but i might feel better if i do. i make a lot of jokes, or like, speak lightheartedly, or in a humor-oriented way, when i'm around people, but i don't know if i think the world is funny, really. it's devastating and beautiful, being alive. i'll just keep being alive. we watched 'gilmore girls' and ate cake and moved stuff around from the living room into the kitchen, and i knew my life was going to keep changing, and i didn't know what to do