9/4/18

stuff looked like 'blade runner' again last night, walking around soho after seeing 'suspiria.'

i felt like i understood 'suspiria' in a way i never had, seeing it at ifc center, despite having seen it at least five times before. i think this had something to do with the sound and image quality being much better in a theater. i'd never felt that either was very sharp, but i'd also never really thought about it, because i'd had nothing to compare it to. i'd previously exclusively seen the movie by streaming it on my laptop or casting a stream from my laptop to my tv.

i went to therapy today, which was okay. it was an intake session because my case closed when i was traveling this summer. i spent too much time away from therapy, so they thought i didn't want it anymore, but they were wrong. i had a great summer. now i'm depressed, but i don't think the two are related. i think it's all chemicals. and i wanted to tell the guy that the best therapy for me is probably driving around constantly with a destination in mind, but not caring about the destination at all, just continuing to move somewhere else. the guy wasn't my regular therapist, whose name is claire. he assured me that after this intake thing, i'd get to see claire again. i really like her. i felt an immediate connection and mutual understanding between us when i first spoke with her in april.

april 10, 2018 was three days after the closest i've ever come to suicide stuff. oh well. i told the guy today that i feel more capable of understanding my suicidal ideations as temporary. i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2017, and again in 2018, by two separate people. i told the guy i felt "lucky" to have it, because i get to experience a broader spectrum of emotions, which helps inform me of, like, how life works... the complexities of it, i don't know... and that i'm able to be extremely productive and creative during manic episodes. whatever, um...

last night i cried and felt upset, after feeling good after the movie. i ate a half-edible before the movie, and it was the perfect amount of getting stoned, because it enhanced my engagement without becoming distracting in the amount of stoned i was. sometimes i challenge myself to get "too stoned." it's almost never unpleasant, i just sort of black out and can't walk, and maybe vibrate a little in bed, but i like that stuff, because it's so different from the way i am 99% of the time. it's just interesting to feel a lot. this is similar to bipolar things, maybe.

my scalp has been itchy since yesterday. i think it's to do with sweat, maybe. it was itchy in the movie theater, and i felt itchy all over my body like there were little bugs on me. i always think there are on bugs on me during virgo season, for the past three virgo seasons. and it's possible more virgo seasons than that, but those are the only ones i can remember, because i didn't try to be aware of this stuff before then. the virgo season before these, in 2015, i decided i didn't care about [unsure exactly what... but it doesn't really matter, just a lot of things i had cared about up to that point, more or less] anymore and did heroin with my friend david, and he died a week later from heroin overdose. in 2016, i became convinced i had a bed bug infestation, though there were no signs or evidence of this being the case. i made stuff up on purpose, to distract and delude myself, i suppose, and i didn't sleep more than three hours a night for several weeks because of this. last year, i was convinced i had ringworm, even though i didn't have it. i brought my cat to the vet and stuff. there was also a brief period when i thought i might have bed bugs during that time, too, for whatever reason. i've never had sex with a virgo.

i'm itchy, but i feel sane. i feel able to fend off stuff in different ways. i think not getting drunk as often forces me to face my problems more "head-on," rather than flush them out every night until i can't see as well and am on a destructive warpath of emotion. alcohol elicited a kind of meanness in me that i don't experience without alcohol, i feel. i think i'm nicer and more rational now, but i might be wrong. i got into a sad argument-type thing late last night. i tried to be forward and open and transparent, but... i don't know. i filmed myself floss-dancing today. what will i do?

i listened to meat puppets and nirvana and the clash this morning. i listened to salem on the train last night. i listened to "sowing season (yeah)" by brand new. i, um... i took a picture of a treble clef that was turned partially into a heart shape with cyrillic text underneath it printed on the back window of a bus for old folks, i think, with the parachute drop and parts of surf avenue reflecting in shades of black on the glass. i keep checking myself for bugs.

i'm supposed to play tennis tomorrow. i hope i do. i am aware of somewhat "copping" megan boyle's style of writing right now, having just finished reading 'liveblog' minutes ago. also thinking about when she talks about how she is copping tao's style of writing, in a period during/after reading 'taipei.' hehe. i felt emotional and got "chills" reading the final page. that book is a force. 'liveblog,' i mean. 'taipei' is too, but i'm not focusing on 'taipei' right now, i was only referring to it because it was referred to in 'liveblog.' dang. megan is such a wonderful writer/artist/person. i've felt so good the past several times i've gotten to see her. such fortune knowing her. i want everyone who is reading this to buy and read her novel, when it's "officially published" later this month by new york tyrant, but i feel fairly confident anyone reading this was already going to do that. this also just seems like how i remember i was blogging in the fall and winter of last year/earlier this year, but i haven't gone back to read those entries, so i can't be sure.

there's an email in my inbox, i can see the alert in my tabs. i'm going to go read it, maybe.