11/2/17

i'm at work today. i think i've been depressed, but i can't tell. i don't work much, and i don't like to work, though my job is okay and i get along with almost all my coworkers. mostly i just sit cab in a truck or drive a large van. sometimes i put things in the trucks and vans. other times i take things off, but mostly i just sit around and wait. i've gotten a lot of reading done this way, and i've been doing this on and off consistently for more than two years. when i think about what jobs i want in the future they're all vague and idealistic and have nothing to do with this job, which seems fine

on halloween, katie and i got coffee and walked to a park and sat in the sun. we very quickly, almost perfunctorily, made jack-o-lanterns. earlier i'd driven around for two and a half hours looking for these drops that help my cat pee without feeling uncomfortable. i had trouble showering and getting dressed and felt extremely hopeless and let out a, like, scream/moan sound at one point and was two hours later than i wanted to be to hang out with katie

we watched 'halloween' (1978) and part of another movie called 'city of the dead' (1960). we were both tired and couldn't decide what to eat and went to bed before ten. it was kind of a harrowing day with that and the cat thing and i didn't mention it before but also i'd managed to do my laundry. we cried in the morning. kids were going in and out of stores. nobody was selling those little candles (are they called tea lamps? even though they're candles?), so we bought birthday candles (not the traditional kind but two that were shaped like the number zero) and they burned out quickly and i put my phone in the pumpkin with its flashlight on and it worked nicely

we watched the joan didion documentary the following day, which was yesterday. felt like i knew more about joan didion than the director, who was her nephew on her dead husband's side. the movie focused a lot on john dunne, and didion read seemingly random lines from her books a lot, and the production wasn't great. there was a funny part where harrison ford talked about being their neighbor, and good stuff about the play version of 'the year of magical thinking.' at one point, when didion receives the national humanities medal, the camera pans to griffin dunne, the director, and he's smiling a lot, having a big smile like he's proud of himself

i've enjoyed eating at cafe mogador. i've enjoyed drinking coffee recently. katie and i made banana bread, and we were going to put birthday candles (the traditional ones) in it but we forgot. the heater didn't come on, but my cat looks good because she has a lot of fur for the winter. katie didn't initially believe me that that was happening. she's leaving for a few weeks to be in arizona on saturday, and i don't like the guy i'm working with on this truck right now

for years now, it usually feels like the end of my life. at the end of every day, it's hard to imagine what will happen in further days. my responsibilities to my family, maintaining friendships, relationships always evolving, the possibility of children terrible-seeming but also maybe like undeniable truth/life stuff, being in new york, not really understanding the larger stuff surrounding how money works. it seems impossible, and almost doesn't bother me, but i imagine in twenty years, if i were to ignore everything today, there'd be ramifications then. i've felt concern, some distress, over terrorism-adjacent things and how society goes about addressing that and cops and holding public people accountable for stuff they did decades ago and the four men in india who are getting hanged for gang rape and the woman in pakistan i think who tried to kill her would-be husband via forced marriage by poisoning his milk but he turned the milk into a lassi and served it to his family, and she'll be tried for killing seventeen people. also, so many people just die. i don't want that yet. hard to believe that anyone who is alive and not incarcerated is genuinely suicidal, considering some courses of action. i guess it's not as easy to get a credit card as it used to be. i tweeted something about this in 2014: "the desire to die around the end of the day is where sleep comes from i reckon"

some other thoughts i've had: at what age do people typically start to understand the function and purpose of locks?; something about the names "fisher" and fischer" and how the latter can indicate a relation to judaism sometimes but also not, and why that is; slitting your wrists over an open fire... what would be the point?