12/15/17

i won't take antidepressants, but for some reason a lobotomy seems like a good, exciting idea. something i'd agree to, then become more uneasy about as it approaches, but not back out because i don't want to look stupid or ungrateful, like visiting an aunt, or something. just visiting an aunt and sitting and talking with the aunt. you always feel better after doing stuff like that, no matter how much you don't want to do it beforehand

katie is getting a massage right now, i think

i want to unscramble my brain into clear thinking, positive ideations, uplifting, palliative something. it's snowing. i don't trust my therapist. i feel like i might not go back. it's been more than two weeks. i don't care about her

my brain feels scrambled, and i feel desperate. i want to cry but i haven't been able to. this is familiar. bad memories of this kind of thing. unacceptable pointlessness. it feels unacceptable

my teeth don't align in my mouth. when i bite down everything is very on top of and to the side of one another, or reverse of that

i should've been around to help katie with her dresser. i should do something

i feel at peace, purposeful, able to accomplish small, yet meaningful tasks when i'm working on my novel. i wish i could work on it, with the promise of future publication, forever. just work on it, make it better every few months, somehow in a delusory state that it's still almost ready, and that i'm about to make a little money off it, without feeling impatient or frustrated or irrelevant

is there anything sharp enough and flat enough that if you throw it at a window, like at an angle, with a lot of force and speed, that instead of breaking the window, it just goes through the window and cuts a little slit in the glass the size of the side of it that's sliced through? has this happened before? i want to do it with my iphone. i want to then tape that part of the window up and not think about it or notice it, not create a problem with my landlord or neighbors, for it to be as silent as a silenced pistol firing. i have no idea how loud that is. and i want my iphone to disintegrate in the process. i don't want to have an iphone, i feel like it brings me pain

i don't have very many good memories

being read 'the legend of sleepy hollow' (1820) to while the sun set, the warmth of the room, sensing the setting of the sun, looking out the window, falling asleep before the story was finished

insisting, over a long period of time, when asked by my mother what i'd like for breakfast on saturdays, i think, that i'd like "doo-doo," and then, after a period of a week or weeks, maybe, her saying, "okay, then, you make it" or something like that, and being given free reign over the kitchen. my sister, my father, my mother and me, making "doo-doo." we baked it in the oven, and it didn't taste good. my dad looked happy, and my mom looked exasperated, but touched. and we were all together. i'm crying a little now. thank you