12/21/17

is desperation a feeling or a signal? i don't think it's an emotion

katie's shirt smells like katie

i can tell that some of the things i have done have affected my friends, such that i don't want to express things to my friends so as not to project or aggravate... something... i don't trust myself... anyone

we went into the plaza hotel. it was sad in there, felt racist. there were dollies covered in baggage. they told us to go to "the food court" if we wanted coffee

i say and think "i don't know" increasingly frequently

i took the battery out of my wall clock because i couldn't stand the sound of it ticking

i would sleep for three or four days at a time at this point in my life. on the days i didn't sleep, i would eat and read. eat a lot, read a lot. then back to sleep

two days ago, which was tuesday, i thought about skipping my shift at the park slope food coop. instead, while trying to park in an empty space on the street, a person did an illegal u-turn in front of me, cutting me off, and i turned into the car to my right, scraping the paint off some of the bumper. it sounded bad, and i don't think anyone saw. i took a while before leaving a note, but i did, and the person called me, and i told her i'd pay for everything. she hasn't gotten back to me with an estimate. she mentioned talking to her dad

i turned twenty-seven, and katie and i went to the met. the instruments, almost all of them, weren't on display. the furniture in visible storage is the best thing. i don't care about the painting 'madame roulin and her baby' by van gogh as much as i used to. we ate trout crepes... life is still bullshit

i've been crying on and off for seven hours, in way that feels painful, not cathartic, and fruit flies keep dying in my kombucha

something i thought last night was that you have to look at cake when you eat it. like that it requires more than one sense (taste) to enjoy it, whereas macaroni and cheese, for instance, you don't need to see to eat and enjoy it

just remembered rauschenberg for some reason. we were happy when we saw that, i think

sitting on the beach in april, in our coats, talking

i'm going to try to read an essay by ta-nehisi coates. when i'm done i hope it's dark out and i can fall asleep. i want to get stoned, but i'm scared. i don't think i've ever been this upset, unbelievably. i think i've become addicted to things in a bad way. it takes like an hour to leave the house to do a simple task, just to leave the house. i don't want to believe that i'm not responsible for stuff, and i'm scared