there's stuff you want to happen so badly
i wanted to play basketball with katie on this one day, early on in our relationship, and she told me she'd told her sister about legal situation and i got upset with her, and she came over later, but it was after sunset maybe, or late, or something, and we were exhausted or demoralized (another word i've been thinking a lot recently) and didn't end up playing basketball. then we never ended up playing basketball together at all. i bought a basketball pump, i got tennis rackets from my parents. stuff that is supposed to come naturally does. playing basketball and tennis obviously, for us, did not
i have lived such a blessed and weird outside-of-what-it-might-have-been life. i haven't, like, wanted much, other than for it to just be better
i left my pants on conor's heater overnight and now they fit different, but i don't think the two are related
a couple of things about the woman whose car i hit and how i paid her to make it go away. so she asked me for $500. she said it cost that much to repaint the entire car, which is what she said she had to do, according to the bodyshop people, even though i only scratched a corner of her bumper. i sort of get that though, but i said i'd give her $375, otherwise we'd have to go through insurance, and she didn't want to do that. so she accepted the $375 and said she'd cover the rest of the costs of repainting. i said i could deliver the money in cash to her that day, but she preferred to come to me and get the money, not that night, but the next night. one reason for this is, i think, that maybe she was getting the car painted that night and would have to wait and see if the bodyshop people would try to tag on another charge. also, the fact that she so readily accepted my offer of $375 is a little weird, because if she was actually getting the work done, wouldn't she just insist on having it be more. maybe not, because of her insurance premium also going up, weirdly, which is a thing, but hear me out. so she might not have been getting work done on the car. the reason i say this is that i think i saw a small crack in her bumper, though i was not sure i was the cause of it. in fact, because of the angle and the way i hit her car, i don't think i would've caused it. that said, if she <i>had</i> taken it to a bodyshop, i feel like they would've tried to charge her to have the entire bumper replaced, which would be more than $500, i feel. also, frankly, i think it costs maybe more than $500 to have an entire car painted. i know the scratch wasn't that bad on her paint, because the color of her car rubbed off so easily on mine when i cleaned it with a rag. i feel like my scratch on her car probably mostly would've rubbed off too, and been left only slightly noticeable. personally, thinking from my perspective, i would not have cared about getting my car repainted to deal with some minor scratches. still, i don't care about having nice things because i've been given so much, i've been so privileged (not wanting for anything, really) that i probably don't care as much about my possessions as someone who works hard for their money and wants their vehicle to reflect that. it's possible she really did care about the appearance of her car and had it repainted for reasons of personal pride. in this case, she ended up footing $125 of that, which doesn't seem fair, because, though i hit the car accidentally, being cut off by somebody doing an illegal u-turn, she didn't do anything at all and didn't deserve to have to deal with that. plus, the anxiety of the situation, talking to me on the phone, taking it to the shop, driving to me to get the money, that's emotional labor. i feel like she really spent a lot more than $125 dealing with the situation i created. therefore, i sincerely hope she didn't actually get the car fixed but that she just pocketed the $375 and wasn't concerned with the appearance of a vehicle she regularly street parks in a notoriously fucked city for driving and parking. i could see the back of her car, parked, from behind, when she met me outside my apartment to collect the money. i scratched the front driver's side bumper, and i wasn't able to see if she'd had it painted or not, and i preferred that. i only hope she made out okay, emotionally and monetarily, from the ordeal
god, i feel like i have to start my life over. i'm wearing katie's shirt, but it smells like nothing
my last post was so maudlin. i thought about deleting every line and replacing each with "[deleted this line because it was too maudlin]"
maybe this is effectively doing that. taking care of that. taken care of!
um...
there was something else i wanted to say
i'm sitting in the kitchen in my chair. i wish we were sitting in our chairs, with the plant, and we were cooking dinner
my hip hurts
did ketamine and felt no relief, which is fine. drugs do less for me. everything feels lesser. there's fruit flies everywhere in my apartment, i don't know how to get rid of them
they're landing on my face
i was crying earlier. it's not my hip. it's, like, my pelvis and where my thigh is over there. the right one
'crank yankers' was a show
i don't like all these flies being here. i want to be everyone's friend. i want to be treated like a baby usually. this is bordering on or already maudlin. colv used words like that, and that ("maudlin") is one i like
there's more flies now than a few minutes ago, seemingly impossibly
i want to be treated like a baby, i guess, but something about buddhism says not to have desires, so maybe it's that i want to not want to feel like i want to be treated like a baby. i want to look at a candle... okay. that seems okay
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