12/25/17

i like christmas, because it works on two levels, for me. from one, i can enjoy the way things look, the general good attitudes and forgiveness people impart. i lost on three crossword scratchers, and i don't care that much. it also works because i reject it, view it from the outside. i feel an emotional connection to it, but, like, perpendicular to the what society... expects(?)... not even depression or anything, because it's not my holiday. just, like, simple, hollow comfort, knowing it's there

last night i watched 'christmas evil' (1980). something described it as like, the 'taxi driver' of christmas movies. it was filled with... richness, intricacy. i'd like to watch it again, soon. and 'gremlins' (1984)

the lady whose car i hit accepted $375 from me, to pay for fixing the scratches. originally she wanted $500. this morning, i got an email from my insurance company saying my premium was going up. this is unrelated to any accident. the accident went unrecorded, and i talked to someone on the phone and didn't listen while he explained it to me, and said "i hope you have a good christmas" and he seemed relieved. i found a cheaper policy than the one i already have, going through the same website, just by starting over. stuff always feels that way

i want to listen to the radio. i've been reading kristen iskandrian's novel 'motherest' (2017). it's pretty good. it's the 101st book i read this year. i don't think i want to read with this much rigor and self-control again. it was fun, seeing if i could read 100 books in a year. now reading has changed for me. it's still an escape, and i think it's made me a better writer. i guess it was a good thing. i want to shoot for reading sixty or so books a year from here forward, though the thought of only reading five books a month seems unambitious

mercury stopped being retrograde. i found a part in my novel where i wrote about that. i feel peaceful, pointless. for a while, it felt like there were many possibilities. now it feels like there's only a few, maybe three, two of them bad, one of them good. i made two birthday wishes that contradicted each other

i'm wearing my planet fitness t-shirt. the other day, a person i never really knew facebook-messaged a group of people that had last been messaged together in 2013, asking if they (we) wanted to get sushi in new haven, connecticut. before anyone else could respond, i typed something like "i just want to take this time to say i want the best for everyone and i'm sorry for everything. thanks for the memories" and left the conversation. one of the people in the group is a rabbi. i went to his wedding. i think i'd feel fine never seeing or talking to any of them ever again

the wind is loud. sometimes i like living in coney island. holding and being close to a cat seems, like, measurably therapuetic

when erin says "just kidding" about andy's girlfriend dying, i think she learned that from when dwight told her about the ghost that haunts the office on her first day. in season 7, episode 4, dwight admits to engaging in slave labor, like actively. also, in that same one jan calls her daughter “assie”

i'm going to bring egg nog over to conor's apartment. i remember when it was only my friends who lived there. it felt like i had two apartments. when i was so alone, i also felt very part of the world. now i don't feel part of the world and i'm alone. plus, i feel like i'm lying, hard, i know i never felt part of the world. it's just i thought there were more possibilities

that said, now reading this over, fixing it, making sure everything makes sense, i feel consoled by the lack of possibilities. maybe more committed to just making one thing work, among a mess of untenable, out-of-control stuff. have i used the word "untenable" in my blog posts too frequently? i just looked and it doesn't seem like i have. it's been coming to mind a lot recently, like of its own accord. the word "untenable." it feels tedious, unwelcome. but i'm just going to keep thinking it, instinctually, until i don't feel the need to anymore, like i did with the word "indignant" in 2005 or 2006

stephen king is underrated. i want to kiss my cat on her head