12/30/17

"whatever was waiting for me at the end of the suicide ramp" is something i thought shortly before falling asleep on december 26, which was four days ago, according to a note i made

a few weeks earlier i saw two cops on horses riding down surf avenue. why were there cops on horses in coney island in the winter riding alongside traffic? it made me sad, angry

katie and i saw horses by central park on my birthday. i wanted to free them. i wanted them to kick their hooves into the heads of the guys who drove them around attached to carts

i gave my mom 'the quick and the dead' (2000) by joy williams for chanukah. we talked about vegetarianism. she says she can't be one because she has to cook so much meat for my dad and my grandpa. i assume she means it might be wasteful if she didn't eat some of it herself. she might actually be right

it snowed today. snow is unfair because it feels like a memory production, like, antagonizer. it's been snowing a lot this year. eventually, maybe, it will have snowed so much, so regularly, to dampen the impact of having memories

the same soft, desperate meowing has continued outside my window. it's more pronounced at night. it's too cold, it feels unsustainable, but i don't know. it could be sustainable

i looked at my window and filmed a cat walking, running gently in the snow. it put its paws up on a fence, looking fifteen or so feet above it, watching a bird in the vines that grow along the telephone wires by my apartment. after a while the bird flew away. the cat went under a dumpster, its body, like, collapsing in skulking

i wonder where the possum who lived in the plants on the roof across the alley from me last summer is... did it leave coney island for the winter? did it burrow underground somewhere? i hope it didn't die. if it's a woman possum, and i could maybe see baby possums next summer, that would be terrific. i can't think of anything i'd like to see more...

i thought about it a little more... i... no, i can't think of anything i'd like to see more than that...

i don't know...

it's my parents' anniversary. they've been married for thirty-eight years. they came over for breakfast and brought twelve bagels and then drove back to massachusetts. they're selling their house and moving to rhode island in the spring. they said i could freeze what i didn't want, but, like, what were they thinking? twelve bagels... so i told them i'd keep four... i felt bad making them take some back to massachusetts, but i feel like none of this would've happened if not for, like... it's a symptom of their political madness... nobody in the world needs twelve bagels at once, i feel... it's "untenable"