1/10/18

i'm so lucky to live in a time of language. if i didn't, like, i can just imagine my experience of life and society, screaming, crying, bashing my head against a wall. in this form of existence, i've been able to examine and explore my life and experiences and thoughts, sometimes with great epiphany, other times with humor. when i've existed, um, in absence of having lingual thoughts, i guess i don't know what i mean, exactly. when i drop examination, through language, maybe, i mean, of experiences, it's always been a lot worse

this blog has improved my life

like a punch line to a joke could be: "no, no, but listen, i love life. i hate <i>my</i> life"

i don't know

no, i mean, i do. maybe at the end of a long, drawn-out thing. like in 1960, or something you're telling this joke... i'm just getting some things down right now, while i'm feeling positive

or another joke, like, say you were doing stand-up. you could bring a backpack on stage. wait, no, you don't have to. that makes it prop comedy. but you could anyway, if you wanted to, but you really don't have to, that doesn't affect the efficacy of the joke. ok hold on... ok, so the joke could be like about how when you go to the movies, you always get a lot of space and quiet, because you're a single white man, and if people are being loud or annoying around you, about ten minutes in you fumble around a lot in your backpack... like about white male shooters in movie theaters...

i guess there haven't been that many, it's just something i think about a lot when i'm at the movies. if i'm there alone, i feel like people think i'm one of the disgruntled white men who turns into shooters... i always feel bad, like i'm putting people on edge... in the joke you could say something like "i haven't commanded a room like that since rushing for kappa kappa delta" or something... a joke about how you suck

okay, done

it doesn't have to be a <i>good</i> idea, i didn't say that... it's not even an idea! just something i typed here

another thing i took down as a note to remind myself to think more about was: "having nightmares i thought i was listening to audiobook of taos book bed the horror in my nightmares felt exaggerated"

it was that i kept, like, sort of waking up, but falling back asleep, so i knew it was a dream, but i was seeing gruesome, over-the-top style horror stuff, embedded within the framework and conversations of, like, characters and stories from tao lin's collection 'bed' (2007). it's hard to explain, but i knew i was just witnessing this stuff, unpleasant and unsettling as it could be, as a third party, like, i knew i was just getting a different experience of tao's "stories" than the traditional "reading" one. i knew it was an audiobook, but it was like i'd manifested the images, that i was existing within my imagination somehow. i kept thinking "this is different than how i remember any of tao's stories... is this a new story?" until i realized tao's stories didn't include 'the ring' (2002)-like cuts and 'the grudge' (2004)-like creature-y, unpredictable movements. then i woke up, and understood what had happened. i started to drift back into the dream, but didn't want to be around the repulsiveness and unnerving quality of the horror aspect, so i forced myself to get out of bed and drink some water

my mouth was so dry, from sleeping on my back, i think, because i was trying to avoid rolling over onto my cat, who was wedged between my chest and armpit, somewhat. not exactly touching, but very close to

anywhooo... ya gotta not sleep with ya mouth open, kid! just kidding

i started reading tao's new nonfiction book 'trip.' it's very affirming and elaborative of some of the beliefs i've already held toward psychedelics, while introducing new and heretofore unconsidered concepts and perspectives, and also just generally compelling, informative, excellently researched, explaining things in a way that encourages the reader to go off on personal thought tangents, both easy and fun to read... not that i think "ease" of reading qualifies my enjoyment of reading a book, so much as, when it's fun to read something, it's easy to want to read it... also, it's nice when it's easy to understand what's going on... i don't feel like sharing too many thoughts or going into things, as i'm only 68 pp. through, but it's worth mentioning i like it

my mom texted me a picture of a bunny in her backyard this morning. i replied "so cute and chubby!!!! it woke up bc it warmed up"... it's been kind of warmer outside. in fact, yesterday, i walked to the beach, and it was sunny and maybe close to forty degrees. i experienced a flood of associations and reactions, ultimately feeling "dipped in" "okayness," and general positive emotions. this culminated in sensing, via smell, my, like, "capacity to love"

i posted the picture of the bunny on instagram. katie said she liked it, and i remarked on how it was styled (blurry and monochromatic done with great sangfroid) after her own photography and blog

another joke

is that usage of "sangfroid" correct, by the way? i only learned the word this morning. it was included in a very nice rejection letter from penguin press