two nights ago, which was friday, i hit my head on a stairwell ceiling, recklessly making my way down the stairs night at gottscheer hall in ridgewood, queens
since then, my tone has felt distinctly "off"
i'm having difficulty communicating with people. everything feels antagonistic, from both sides. haven't really had a point in communicating, so i haven't been able to get my "point" across, because i don't know what it is
i feel worried...
i went back to work last week, which felt good
most stuff felt good for several days in a row leading up until right before i hit my head, then everything felt remarkably without humor, bleak
i don't know about using adverbs
i'm trying it out in a couple of these sentences
i feel envious of people. by the time i finished typing that sentence, i knew it wasn't true. i wouldn't want anyone else's life
this is the fourth time i've had a concussion, i think. the first time was in second grade, i think. it might not have been a concussion, but i got two black eyes. the second time was senior or junior year of high school, in gym class. the third time was in the summer of 2013, when i was somewhat playfully tackled on a rooftop and continued drinking heavily for the following several hours. after that, i felt significantly and sustainably brain-damaged. i got multiple mris, which provided me with vague, inconclusive information, because they were a part of volunteer studies, and so read and analyzed by one of my girlfriend at the time's colleagues, who i gave a copy of the images (saved on a cd), and who didn't seem concerned or particularly professional. my thought was, if i had a gross aberration, the mri technician would've reported it to me, or someone else, and they would've told me i needed to seek help re a neurological condition, or something
since 2015, i've felt less brain-damaged. now i feel brain-damaged again. it doesn't matter
seems hard to find the "balance" in feeling that i pretend to aspire toward
i feel humorless and tone-deaf
i'm worried about this blog post. i don't want to write anymore
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since i originally made this blog post, i thought about 'trip' (2018) by tao lin. i finished reading it last night. i enjoyed it a lot
here is some of what i emailed the author re my reaction:
i really enjoyed this style of nonfiction. the way you intermingled personal experience with research and journalistic investigation felt seamless and innovative. and the way you went about introducing new information, and then building and elaborating on that information, continuously, throughout the text, was super effective. unlike a lot of nonfiction i've encountered, which presents itself as an assortment of facts set up to prove something similar to a "point," 'trip' felt like an accumulation and augmentation of knowledge, almost suspenseful in its execution at times. it consistently kept my attention, even re things i wouldn't normally be interested in, and i felt a steady, increasing desire to keep reading, in the manner i typically feel toward a story or novel narrative
though it affirmed some beliefs i already held toward psychedelics, what i especially loved about the book was that it took me to new places and modes of thought i'm not sure i ever would've explored without it. the extraterrestrial associations re psilocybin and dmt were particularly exciting and unlike anything i'd ever considered before. speculations about pre-historical human health, religion and the evolution of intelligence were also compelling and made me extremely curious about the potential for evolutionary or longterm (or retroactive) studies on the use of psychedelics. also, the things about the eleusinian mysteries—i can't believe i hadn't heard about that, and its connections to lsd, before! and the discussion of the imagination as the greatest unknown, larger than the universe in that it can hold all possible universes, was extremely uplifting, inspiring. the book makes me want to be more responsible and focused on my use of psychedelics, and has discouraged me from wasting precious time while stoned engaging in inane or passively lazy or depression-related activities
two nights ago, i sustained what i think was a minor concussion, hitting my head on a stairwell ceiling, recklessly making my way down the stairs at gottscheer hall in ridgewood, queens. i woke yesterday morning feeling nauseated and dazed, and since then, i've been treating myself with cannabis. its anti-inflammatory and neuroprotective properties, according to some things i've read online, suggest it might be the most effective and overlooked minor head trauma treatment available, and can even heal damaged brain tissue. i woke today feeling significantly less out-of-it, though i'm still a little nauseated. i'm going to eat another edible in a few minutes and plan to go to sleep earlyi used the word "extremely" more than i would've wanted, i guess
going to read some of 'fire and fury' (2018) by michael wolff now. going to try to remember that parts of it are probably fabricated and/or distorted, as i've been made vaguely aware of by media, which probably has the worst intentions toward the concept of "truth" anyway, in order to sensationalize, and antagonize the president...
not that i don't hate trump. i think he's egregiously bad, in every regard i can think of. the worst president ever, and a terrible person to boot. i just worry that reading this book will make hating trump feel "too easy" and "obvious" and not dwell sufficiently on the pressing, pertinent issues of what's happening right now with the u.s. government and a lot of governments, but make me focus on the minutiae of his seemingly excessive, morally corrupt idiocy... i just don't want to be quoting stuff later that isn't true... internet-y, propaganda-ish stuff... i don't know. that's sort of how this presidency came about... ok, that's enough
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