it was just the sixth of january. now it's the seventh
the moon looked like it was dipped in darkness, like half of it was slipping away, not like, shadowed, just... going away... like in 'back to the future' the way the people in the photograph, his hand, etc.
i downloaded the book 'fire and fury' (2018) by michael wolff
i haven't slept in a couple days. i didn't even go on a bender. i'm miserable, i didn't go home to avoid, um... you know... i didn't want to have to feel my thoughts ricocheting around the room. it's so cold in here
i'm eating a jar of kimchi to try to keep from getting sick
i think i'm hallucinating a little. i'm not on drugs. driving home tonight was the scariest it's ever felt to drive on the belt parkway
all the lines on the road seemed blended into the asphalt by the salt, and everyone seemed to be swerving. there's snow between my tires and the part of my car that is cut out like a half moon from my car. i thought i was going to fall asleep or pass out. i felt like i couldn't really do anything to keep my car from falling apart into hundreds of pieces, and i'd be rolling along the highway, among the pieces, being dragged along, not into anything, just along... inertia... i didn't understand what all the drifts appearing in the corner of my eyes were. everyone seemed hellbent on dying. it was weird, and it was hard to park on a snow bank. i didn't want my muffler to fall off like it did last march, when i was probably the happiest i've been in my adult life
jamie and i cooked egg burritos. i lost five dollars playing backgammon with conor. i met john's cat. its name is baby and it has blue eyes that look like a person's. i think it liked me
i'm desperate
"hellbent" is a word
everything is in a bad way. i'm listening to "love will tear us apart" by joy division on repeat. i love the album 'divers' (2015) by joanna newsom. when i went to see her perform with sarah, i kept falling asleep a little. my personality test says i'm sadistic. last night, on mda, i felt like everything in my life could be explained by compartmentalizing and acceptance
that's bullshit today. i want to get married and live in a house with a cast iron wood-burning stove. it doesn't have to be with the woman. nothing has to be anything
i didn't want to come home so i had to have thoughts! i hate them, occasionally! i don't want to write another novel, i just want the best things to happen! biloxi, mississippi. adirondack hotel on long lake
when people started talking about 'fire and fury' i thought they meant there was an imminent threat of nuclear war. i keep imagining us sitting around, watching the footage of a mushroom cloud over pyongyang. if it happened, i'd just get some people in the car and chill out at my parents' house for a while. maybe trump will just nuke new york on his own, for no reason
i want to pour water on my windshield
i want stuff to go back to the way it was, but, like, in what way? in the way i imagined it to be or the way it really was? it doesn't matter. the stuff i said about something being good 10% of the time being worth it is true, to me. better than being good 0% of the time
"why is your bedroom so cold" is one of the lyrics in "love will tear us apart"
the moon looked like it was going to just go away, like the night in utah, in the national park that the president sold to people to drill for oil on, where conor and i heard the coyotes. the moon was there, then it went away
it's all crap
these fucking mattresses. they'll deliver them to your door in a box... the bad things already happened, the singularity already happened. it was supposed to be violent and noticeable in movies, but sci-fi knew it would just happen and people wouldn't be able to care or see it
i smell bad. it's nine degrees outside. we're living through the end of the world, literally, i guess. my skin itches, and i woke up nauseated
everyone is an antisemite. i didn't want to come home because ofsejhgoiwrjhoigwjoihjoiejhewrherohwoiegj oiewjoivweg
1 comment:
...david? it sounds like you might benefit from some exercise. i get like this: kind of in my own thoughts and in a bad way, acting on my self-destructive behavior patterns. thoughts aren't "bad", and it's not "bad" to have "bad" thoughts, but...you don't have to be so hard on yourself.
i guess, exercise and eating right (for me this includes not drinking) are really how i've learned to combat this darkness of mood that descends during the winter...i'm not perfect. i still haven't arrived at the ideal way of exercising, and sometimes i'm lazy and not motivated. but, yeah, exercise helps. to have a goal, and a focus. anyway.
i'm grateful that i can be reading your thoughts. it's helpful.
thank you.
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