3/12/18

i think i meant to blog a few times, but i didn't. things have felt stable, mostly. i bought new sneakers. they're asics but look, like, cool, i guess. i've been wearing this thermal i bought upstate every day for a lot of days in a row

on friday, which was three days ago, i went to the lynne tillman book launch at the new museum. i talked with tao about 9/11, the singularity, mary robison, how to consume ketamine, how some artists stay relevant over the course of decades but most don't, how dck is bad for your gut, probiotics, raw eggs, etc. john waters was there. so was andrew durbin, and i also saw him the following night at china chalet. (i was a little dismissive of him on friday, because i felt overwhelmed, but on saturday, we had a nice time chit-chatting, i felt.) i talked to yuka a little bit, and mentioned my novel. she was talking about how lucy's novel needed to come out quickly, because it was relevant to the current moment or something, and i mentioned how since i wrote my novel, a deli that had existed on bushwick avenue, by montrose avenue, which i reference throughout the manuscript, changed its name, after like at least five years, though i think it was several more than that, of having the same name. i wondered if that was a faux pas, as she is one of the people my agent emailed the novel to, though i don't think she's read it yet

after the lynne tillman thing, i sat with emma and conor at beverly's and talked about how, for all intents and purposes, straight men do a thing where they're attracted to their female friends, and how some men are able to discuss that openly and directly, and other men make it a thing where they try to avoid acknowledging it, and then will suddenly make a move, after a long period of exclusive platonic-only interactions. i've done both of these things, and have hoped to move closer to being more direct, and also direct with myself in such a way that i can address and question this stuff on my own, coming to the best conclusion about how to keep friendships and romances appropriately separated, without making anyone uncomfortable... generally people just gravitate toward people they're attracted to, i think. but knowing how a relationship would work, how one might jeopardize a good friendship for a probably not ideal sexual encounter, how to let people in on what you're thinking and feeling, has helped me feel more relaxed, and better in general about interacting with people, specifically women

most men i feel like i can't stand to be around. and also just anyone who views relationships (the broader term, not referring to romantic) as transactional, or like, a form of social capital. all the time i find myself in a situation where it seems like someone "wants" "something" out of whatever exchange we're engaging in. like how can they leverage this exchange for future exchanges, and if we interact enough, does that qualify as friendship, and then how can my friendship benefit them... i can't be around people like that, and it seems like that's how so many young art-adjacent people view socializing, and that's why i hardly ever make new friends, and that's perfectly all right with me

another thing is, like, people who want their conversation to be a back and forth thing where nobody says what they're thinking or what they mean or why they're doing it like that. essentially "mind games," where the goal is to one-up one another, in order to, what? flirt? judge character? see how clever and funny one can convince someone else they are? i feel like i did do a lot of that when i was dating, in 2015-2016, and then realized it was so depressing, devastatingly manipulative and avoidant. since then, i've tried to focus on being forward, putting everything on the table, exercising a certain amount of "safe" vulnerability... a lot of folks seem extremely put off by this, and i think that's sad, but it's also a good litmus test for the type of people i want to be around. ultimately, it's kind of easy to find people who share my ideology and interests, because there are so few of them, weeding the fakes out is a breeze

also, an easy way to go about this without using any energy or thought, too, is to remember that if someone is living in ridgewood, and moved there within the past two years, they're probably one of the fakes

also, if you're reading this and you don't like me or what i've written, does that mean, as you continue to read through it, that you're indulging in negativity? and then, you might ask yourself, does this indulging in negativity somehow, like, "get you off" or enliven your spirit? if so, i think it would be good of you to change that, and to avoid this blog. i do stuff like that too sometimes, but you're worse than me, because this is so many more words than i'd ever look through to hate on someone

on saturday, i went to nada, which was very disappointing overall. i took notes on enjoying the work of four artists: jake manning (dream-like, representational, funny paintings, represented by rental gallery), zach martin (furniture made of stone and wicker and other things, represented by fisher parrish), alexandra bell (mike brown nytimes erasure piece, represented by recess gallery), brian kokoska (garfield and other funny sculptures and paintings in a carpeted kitchen-like space install, represented by l'inconnue). i also liked molly soda's install in the 315 gallery booth. i didn't take notes on this, because i remembered it on my own, and i know molly, or, i guess, maybe more accurately, "knew" her, or also, i don't know, we just haven't talked in a year. but i didn't, like, discover her work at nada. the other people's work i discovered

conor and zoe went to nada with me. there were lots of people who looked like they'd dressed up for the occasion. i just remembered there was someone else's work i also liked. some woman who did a, like, sort of stand-up video piece, but maybe i didn't like it all that much, because i didn't finish watching it or write anything down. i saw her, i think, later that night, at china chalet. after nada, zoe left, and conor and i went to gavin brown in the lower east side for jacolby satterwhite's opening. i really enjoyed the video, a lot more than the gift-shop-type space. i think the video is proof of a massive step forward in jacolby's work. it's not all that different from previous stuff, like the stuff i saw at the whitney a few years ago, but for some reason it feels more sure of itself, more cohesive, more centered, better animation, not like there's a narrative, but like there's a pulse, and a heart, holding everything together. it brought me joy, watching the video, and thinking about my brief interactions with jacolby in 2013 and 2014, and seeing where his career has taken him. i recommend the show to anyone reading this blog, even the haters

zachary and willis met conor and i at the opening, and then we ate a little at the punjabi deli on first street (at least i think that's first street). i had a small plate, with chickpeas and okra and other things over rice. then we went to weatherhead's book launch at parkside lounge for his new poetry collection 'todd.' at some point, i'd become convinced i had a fever, and made several people touch my forehead with the backs of their hands, and nobody could decide whether i felt warm or not, but eventually i started feeling better. i don't think i've typed about 'todd' much, but the book really makes me happy. i read it on march 1, sitting cab in a truck, while at work. i'd read most of the poems before, but i enjoyed reading it all together, and thinking about it as a series of, like, art projects/experiments. the final poem, which is a kind of collage, using lines from blurbs found on books in andrew's room, is astounding. i'll paste some of what i posted on facebook about it: "one of the weirdest, most exciting and inspiring collections of art and poetry i've ever encountered. when i was reading it, i felt transported to new patterns and modes of thought, blips of revelation, places i never would've traversed on my own. andrew's perspective is unique and remarkable, funny and poignant and rare. i'm glad we're friends." i know that's vague, but, like, i don't know what to write about the book other than that... it was surprising and satisfying. sort of blew my mind, and made me excited to think about weatherhead making art that way

at the parkside lounge, i took some mdma, and then conor and lily and i took a cab to china chalet. i used to go there a lot in 2015-2016, and i only went once in 2017 and didn't have a good time. i had a good time this time around, but was accosted by someone when she found out i had ketamine, which i was willing to share with my close friends, but not her, a person i've met a handful of times, who i have essentially no relationship with. i have no problem with her, but the following morning, she subtweeted me about our interaction, and i feel like i'll use this space here, on my blog, to address some of the inaccuracies and frustrations this tweet begot

so the tweet reads: "I had the misfortune of conversing w a like 22 yr old dude on uppers who titled his book 'cool girls hate their bodies' at china chalet ln"

first, i think "conversing" is such a generous term for when someone asks you for drugs and you say no. i think i'm entitled to simply not give someone something that belongs to me, and that i paid good money for, without creating a "misfortune" for her, but whatever. moving on. i'm not 22, i'm 27, and this woman is 30, so it feels a little bleak that she's doing the thing where our slight age difference is used against me somehow, though i will say, i'm happy to be in my late-twenties, and not my thirties. makes me feel a bit less stressed out, so i'm not particularly irked by that. also, i don't have a "book" i have a novel manuscript, which i've been shopping around for over five months, and which may never be published, i've come to terms with. so, it's very flattering to say i've written a book, but it's not accurate. finally, the title 'cool girls hate their bodies' is not current. that has not been the working title in quite some time, and it's not the title my agent is selling the novel under. in any case, i know that the person who tweeted this was only doing it because she was hurting about something else that has to do with a friend of mine, who had a short-lived romantic thing with her, and then decided he didn't want to do that anymore, and i know what it's like to hurt and to feel like lashing out at people online is the solution, and so, ultimately, i just want the best for this person. i hope she is able to feel better and not feel like she has to get upset when someone doesn't give her drugs, but gives other people drugs, because he has different relationships with those people

juliana huxtable djed from one a.m. until after three a.m. she did a great job, and i danced for maybe an hour, which felt nice. i hadn't danced to music i like in club in a long time, and it felt a little stilted at first, but i was able to let go and enjoy it, and mostly the experience was nostalgia-driven. daylight savings time started on sunday morning, when the clocks went from 1:59 to 3:00, and so, in a way, it was supposed to be the shortest china chalet ever, but then they didn't kick everyone out at three, so i was sort of bummed by that. i took the n-train home and took a shower around five a.m., and went to sleep shortly thereafter

yesterday, which was sunday, i met up with katie and we talked about all the stuff i just typed about at b&h dairy on second avenue, over coffee and potato pancakes and pierogis and matzah ball soup and challah and a stuffed cabbage. we walked to east village books and through tompkins square park and sat for a while in hamilton fish park. we went to reena spaulings and looked at the amelie von wulffen show, which i loved. i'd seen pictures on instagram and felt no interest, but in person the show was very satisfying. katie and i got little comic books the artist had written and illustrated titled 'the boulders.' i drove katie to prospect heights and dropped her off at the sheila heti/chris kraus reading/talk. i felt endeared to her, and in general. we're going to see bunny rogers and precious okoyomon read tomorrow, and to eat at spain, i hope

driving east on the belt parkway, on my way home last night, i saw a cluster of bats, flapping wildly, flying along the water separating brooklyn from staten island, low on the horizon, which was milky twilight, blue and yellow