3/13/18

i wanna leave you all with some parting words for a bit. i don't want the last thing i blogged to be sitting up there like it's how my life feels, because, though it's all true, it's not how my life feels, not overall, or in general, or right now, a day later

this is my fiftieth post, which is great. i'm glad to have worked through some stuff here on this blog, and i'm glad to have shared it with people, and i hope to come back here one day, feeling ready to share with people again

in an email, recently, i wrote, "i have a bad thing where my baseline is that i feel like people are out to get me, and so i'm paranoid and scared most of the time, and sometimes that manifests as dismissiveness or meanness, and i'm sorry if i've ever made you feel bad or weird because of that"—i want the world to know about that, i guess. it applies to the world

i'm not this miserable person i affect. this person was constructed and conditioned, by me and my environment. i can be a lot of different people, and i've been choosing to be miserable, so maybe now i'll choose to be happy

i think part of my unhappiness is due to a negative feedback loop that social media and society encourages. i feel aversion toward so many people, and it's not something i'm proud of. there are solutions to this, obviously. i'm going to try to seek them out, in different ways, i guess. i know about the thing where if you do the same thing multiple times, you set yourself up for the same results multiple times. i know about it, but i don't think about it enough. now that i've typed about it, here, i feel held accountable, by myself, which is good, since i'm the only person i really "need" to hang around with

i've screamed on the beach and listened to "positively 4th street" by bob dylan. i've let people rule the way i live my life, out of love, and hate and laziness and fear. my thoughts are the only thing i'm certain i have. it's like that adage, or idea, about how jews became such an educated people. because people can take everything away from you except what you hold in your head and your heart. i'm jewish. i don't want the world, but i get it. it's not like i can leave it and come back later. so i'll chill out here for a while

also i might start putting sugar in my coffee. because fuck it, i bet it tastes good