who are these people commenting on this blog? how did any (many?) of them know i'd even started posting on it again... worried there are people still using, like, rss feeds. if you are, i just want to know you're okay. if you're an rss feed user and reading this blog, please comment and tell me about your experience using an rss feed in 2018, if you feel like it. i've never used one. they seem bleak in a mysterious way.

i have this zit on my nose. you can't really see it, but i can feel it. i keep putting tea tree oil on it. i don't know what happens when i do that, like, inside my body. is the skin or, um, like, tissue, directly underneath the surface of my nose "inside my body"? yes, but... i'm abandoning whatever is happening here.

i feel like my penis is vibrating right now. okay, it stopped. maybe something seismic was happening in this part of the world i'm in.

i just ended a sentence in a preposition. do they teach that not being okay in schools still? zoe says they teach you how to mail things and write checks in school now. i heard all the kids just watch youtube all day. i don't feel like i'm very youtube savvy. i've never made a playlist, for instance, and i'm only subscribed to a couple of my friends'/acquaintances' channels. is that what they're called? channels? i still don't really understand how people make money from having youtube accounts... i know there are ads on youtube. there are so many websites i feel this way about.

some thoughts i've had:

meditating, i notice my head consistently wants to roll (loll?) back on my neck.

(my penis is vibrating again. i'm going to look at it... it looked normal, but like it was vibrating a bit. strange.)

okay, so the first time i meditated without a guided meditation, like, recording also happening at the same time, my head rolled (lolled) back a lot and i didn't notice, and when i opened my eyes, it was at this really uncomfortable angle and my neck hurt for a while after that, like a few days. um, i think maybe this has to do with the "awe" my brain is experiencing. i don't want to describe it. it's kind of like sleeping. i have to remain somewhat aware of this head/neck thing, though, while i meditate, which i don't think is a bad thing. i think there was something else i wanted to describe under this "some thoughts i've had"... thing... i sit on the floor. i put my hands on my thighs just above my knees. i saw the color purple a bit. i meditated for twenty-one minutes today. i had more thoughts i wanted to type about it, but i forgot, which is fine, and i don't care about having forgotten. also, did they put crappy wifi everywhere so we'd turn off our wifi setting thing on our phone in public places and then forget that we have it turned off when we're at home so we use more data?

my story, "waiting for eternal atake," was rejected by noon annual via a form letter than came in a self-addressed enveloped i'd included with the submission. i received that in the mail today. it's nice to get mail with your own handwriting on the front of it. i should mail stuff to myself sometimes.

damn it, there were other things i wanted to write, but i don't feel like digging through, culling all this shit. i have work early tomorrow. i want to read forty-five or so more pages of 'the last samurai' by helen dewitt, and also work on this story i've been writing.

a thing i want to include in the story i'm writing, in some form:

one thing i've noticed is: say you've got a set of double doors, consisting of two doors. and say you keep one of them permanently locked. what have you got? you've got a door. this is not meant to take a position or even be related to the story. or anything, or otherwise. it's just a thing i've been thinking about. i've done my best. i'm going to keep doing my best.

yeah, italicized, bitch. full effect. no mercy.

i checked out 'the collected stories of diane williams' by diane williams and 'lightning rods' by helen dewitt from the brooklyn public library today. i'd previously had 'long, last, happy' by barry hannah checked out. i'd also had 'raymond carver's what we talk about when we talk about love' by brian evenson checked out from the new york public library.

'the last samurai' is pretty great, though some parts don't seem to really "need" to be read. i still read some of them. i'll finish that book either tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, which is friday.

i want to read all of richard yates's books soon, in order of publication. i wonder if i'll do this before 2019. i've been thinking about wanting to do this for a while. i watched 'the bird with the crystal plumage' last night. it made me think it, like, may have influenced 'blue velvet' in an interesting way. does anyone know if there's anything to support that? i hope to have time to watch 'the cat 'o nine tails' tonight, but if i'm going to do that then i'd better stop fuckinsdglsjdglkjsdglkjsdglkjsdg

(i remember i used to include the year of publication or distribution for books and movies when i first started this blog. maybe when i'm stoned later i can go back and put that stuff in. i think it would make me happier. (i think i could've, and maybe wanted to meditate earlier, but i had a timer set for the cannabis edibles i was making, and i didn't want the alarm to interrupt my meditation. (i had started meditating with twenty-four minutes left on the timer.) i think my being conscious of/concerned with this may have affected the effectiveness of my meditation. i think i want to take a day where i have nothing to do and turn off my phone and other stuff and meditate for as long as i want, without distraction, and with longevity and novelty of experience in mind. (i think it will be harder to achieve this than i think, but seems achievable nonetheless.)))

okay, i'm getting bored of typing stuff like this. it doesn't feel like a waste of time exactly, but will i even want to remember it?

i picked a flower today.

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