10/26/17

while washing my hands, or on the way to washing my hands a couple minutes ago, i thought something along the lines of "there is hate in my heart that is reserved for people and things i have not yet encountered." this, like, took me aback. i felt worried about if this were true or not, and if it is, do other people have this, and if we do, we should all definitely do everything in our powers to expel it as soon as possible. i don't like to use the word "should" and i don't use it lightly

but if it is true, what concerns me is how would i go about expelling it, if the hate is, like, in a reserve for the future... is there like a cache... something accessible, or inaccessible, re this? can i fix this before i hate again? feels like... at first i typed "action movie" but i don't feel interested in that... i'm mad at metaphors. i mean similes, this is stupid. i'm getting weary, i'm wearying

now i just ate a pot edible i prepared for myself. i made sure to eat it on an empty stomach, very hungry, so that its effects hit me more quickly. i've found that the more food i have in my stomach, the longer it takes for pot edibles to work. i haven't eaten anything in like eight hours, so there's potential for me to be high in like thirty to thirty-five minutes. the fastest i ever got high from an edible was five or ten minutes because i ate it straight out of the oven and burned the roof of my mouth, which, i think, allowed the marijuana to get to my bloodstream quicker. the longest it's ever taken for me to get high from an edible is like two and a half hours, i think

i have eleven pages of 'talkativeness' (2014) by michael earl craig left. i didn't really feel like reading when i started reading it earlier, but usually if i force myself to read, it makes me feel better, and this case was not an exception. the copy belonged to my friend andrew, who died earlier this year. his mom sent some of us some of his books and clothes. inside the book there's a ticket from the philadelphia museum of art with andrew's name in korean, i think, on it. the ticket says something about a 'treasures from korea' exhibition that was going on in 2014, and it says "Andrew" on another part and then a three-character word below it, in what looks like korean to me, but i can't confirm, but i'm making an educated guess based off the exhibition being advertised on another part of the ticket

yesterday, katie and i ate dinner at a restaurant we'd eaten dinner at in march. the pasta was very good but there was too much butter in preparing it. i didn't recognize the taste as butter until katie pointed it out, which was weird, and i felt endeared toward her. also i think i had a bad mussel, because i woke up with a stomachache that lasted until mid-afternoon, like how i sometimes (at least once) have experienced with mussels that are bad

i went to therapy, and my therapist noticed i was holding my stomach, and commented on it, and she talked about her, um... shit, now i'm forgetting. oh, she talked about how she ate tuna fish in a... in a... i think she said "can" of sour cream... before she went to bed last night. she talked a lot about herself and her work schedule and stuff, and that made me feel relieved, and i sort of zoned out

therapy seems helpful. i feel like i both do and don't want to admit this. my therapist remembered what my mom's job is, even though she (my therapist) sees around fifty distinct patients weekly

my stomach stopped hurting a little while ago. i want to go to central park on saturday. wonder if i'll still want to on saturday, though. chew on that... you fucker... just kidding. currently i feel fine