11/5/17

i think i was inclined to create a crisis for myself today, to distract me from feelings of anxiety, alienation, general bad feelings. i convinced myself i needed to reseason my cast iron skillet. the last time i did this was three years ago, i think around a similar time of year, with different circumstances of crises of varying degrees also happening, except back then, if i recall, the cast iron skillet needed reseasoning in a significantly more real way

last night i got very drunk. i don't like the feeling of being drunk as much as i used to, but it is familiar, and effectively shuts down any conceits of "should" that might otherwise be present, or ominous. i'm having trouble formulating my thoughts into writing. this feels stilted. i don't know that i really need to express this stuff

i think i prefer being alone to being around other people. it's harder to be alone when i'm consistently seeing and spending time with people, but once i get in the rhythm of it, i enjoy long-ish periods, maybe three to five weeks, of relative solitude. i get into a routine of reading and cooking, eating pot edibles at night, listening to music. it feels sustainable. when i'm around other people, there's a nagging anxiety that we need to "do" or like "advance" something. often, then, this feeling lends itself to drinking or doing drugs fulfilling the "activity" "motive." i almost always do more drugs/drinking when i'm with other people, and it takes the pressure off having to be productive because it's basically impossible to be productive during these periods of mutual intoxication

it's okay. i'm not mad about it, though it does feel dishonest. i told my therapist i get annoyed at people for not doing stuff exactly the way i'd do it, because my life seems good the way i live it, so if they lived the same as me, they'd be happy because they'd have what i have. i think i don't actually believe this. i don't care what most people do with their lives

i found a blog where you can download some classic rock that seems a little outsidery/arty, but not so outsidery/arty that it didn't make it to mp3 by 2008 or so. the url is: wasntborntofollow10.blogspot.com. i downloaded a few leon russell albums i didn't have, and i'm looking forward to listening to them

i remember, as a child, my father going on and on about how much he loved the album recording of 'the concert for bangla desh.' we one afternoon spent hours looking for a copy of his vinyl lp, but he must have lost it, or maybe sold it. leon russell covers the rolling stones. it's very good. my parents and i went to see him in scituate maybe more than ten years ago. my father and i went to see ravi shankar (accompanied by his daughter) in boston sometime shortly before or after that

i also remember, in high school, there was a person who recorded folk/rock music and posted it on his myspace, in the same way that i also did stuff like that. he was into captain beefheart, though, and i harbor a vague conviction that captain beefheart sucks, i think because of feeling competitive with that person. at some point, he got in trouble for having adderall or maybe xanax on him without a prescription after getting pulled over. i can't remember why he got pulled over, or how the cops could've found drugs on him. his dad was a veterinarian who my parents joked had a crush on my mom

anyway, i tried to listen to 'trout mask replica' yesterday and couldn't get into it. i felt defeated. also, why did they spell it "bangla desh" in the seventies? when did they start spelling it "bangladesh"

and now i got a news alert on my phone that someone shot and killed at least twenty people at a church in texas, "gunman dead following chase." i hate this... i feel insane...

people are always telling me stories about having, like, a chatty cab driver or something, but cab drivers rarely try to talk to me, and i'm glad about that