12/28/17

the way sometimes people when they're breaking up with someone will be like "and you never made me come!" katie said "and i don't like acid!"

i was surprised, because i thought she liked acid. we only did it once. it was really fun. i didn't know why she hadn't told me she didn't like it. but maybe she had, in her own way, and i'd misunderstood, on purpose, to avoid thinking something i liked could be something she didn't

i drank a laxative tea and it didn't work that well, and i finally got around to reading 'how should a person be?' (2012) by sheila heti. i gave the copy that tao gave me to nicole in 2013 or 2014. the one i'm reading is from the library

there's a part about being too afraid to do stuff, so not doing anything, etc. that's a trope. i don't feel like it's something i've experienced, though, which is fine

it's not going to be above thirty degrees until, hold on i'm going to check. last i checked it said january 3, i think, but it's so cold... okay, it's going to be thirty-one degrees on january 3, and then back in the twenties until january 7, and then it seems like it will slowly get warmer, staying in the mid-thirties from then on... i go back to work on january 11. i hope i just get a lot of work, enough work to stay very distracted. i'm turning my novel back over to my agent on january 2, so i want to be extremely busy, almost sedated with things to do

i've probably been outside for a total of thirty minutes over the past five days. i keep my door chain-locked when i'm at home. it's cold at night. for three nights there's been this soft, desperate meowing from a cat outside my window. i want to bring it inside, but i don't actually. at least not enough to do it. i wanted to order a quilt on ebay, but i didn't. i like to touch and smell things like that before i buy them. my mom is bringing one i don't like that much when she visits tomorrow. i guess it doesn't matter if i like the way it looks so much if it keeps me warm. i found a champion hoodie i hadn't seen in a while. i sent evelyn a long message explaining how colv died, at her request. they dated from i think february to november in 2014. nobody had told her how he died

there are four candles burning in the other room. god, i hope nothing overturns them

i don't know why people, why western society developed in cold places. like if europeans stole america from the natives anyway, why didn't they just set up the major cities in the caribbean? steal the land from those people? like, weren't people miserable in new york in 1790... weren't they just huddled around cast iron stoves, freezing and afraid they'd burn their houses down. seems fucking stupid

all the laxative did is give me gas and make my stomach hurt

i talked to john on the phone. we facetimed and i looked at his new cat. he named it baby. i noticed his floors are much shinier than mine, the wood. i commented on this and he said it was because i smoked too much pot, i destroyed my floors. he was kidding, but i basically only eat weed, and i haven't been getting stoned anyway, i told him. he asked why, i said it was because i feel too good and peaceful and accepting when i'm stoned, and right now i think i should feel bad, and really feel it. my eyes look weird because i haven't been sleeping. i haven't been showering. i'm going to get stoned tonight though, because i want to rest, and i don't care if i feel peaceful and good... damn...

last night i did 'the office' trivia with zachary and zoe and conor at a bar in midtown. we all ate caesar salads and french onion soups. we came in fifth place, unbelievably, it felt. the questions were hard. on the ride home zachary said it was because we think about different stuff, we know stuff about 'the office' that nobody else would ever think about. i said it was like how there are those children who can memorize everything, but that doesn't make them geniuses. we're like scholars, delving into untraversed territory, with 'the office'

then i went home and tried not to make any phone calls and succeeded

john said he liked 'frances ha' (2012). we argued about that for a little bit. then he said that 'how a person should be' isn't very stylized. i like some parts where it just changes what it's talking about very rapidly and without explanation. it does seem to be the work of someone who doesn't care about making something cohesive... it's not how i would do it, but i get it

almost three years ago i went to a play at the kitchen that sheila heti had written. for all intents and purposes, it was the one she references working on in 'how should a person be?' i went with mira, and it was the coldest night i've ever been outside in new york, i think. the play was wonderful, extremely touching and inspiring. it inspired me to write a play (i started it later that month... it turned out to not be all that good, but i enjoyed writing so much), and mira introduced me to sheila, but she (sheila) seemed very distracted and anxious and, like, out-of-control in a totally silent, reserved way. afterwards we (mira and something other people (not sheila) and i) drank martinis and ate nachos. mira and i ate weed gummies. it was memorable. mira's getting married at some point. she's engaged. she says i'm invited to the wedding, but i never trust things like that without a formal invitation, and i wonder if she'll still let me have a plus one... someone who'll want to go to l.a. with me, since i don't know anyone besides mira in l.a.

i'm scared the candles are burning down the other side of my apartment. i can't smell anything, but my neck feels warm. my lymph nodes are swollen. i'm going to go