if i am against the world, and i find, increasingly, day by day, year by year, if not in ideology at least in practice, that i am, then why should i continue to find it so preposterous a thought to believe it's against me. preposterous is not the right word. i mean, it means the right thing, but it's not something i'd say, or want to say
i feel like a victim of myself, for trying to think about my own experiences
i've lived honestly, but only sometimes, and i think i've done a bad job at it
"a rewarding career" could be a nice thing, but i don't know what that means. i don't want to do anything except read. i do not want to write about what i've read, but i'd gladly give my opinions in one-on-one conversation. i think i'd make a good teacher, but it's not something i particularly want to do
i'm interested in leaving new york, moving somewhere very inexpensive and detaching myself from communities and ideas that i seem to be entangled in, but i don't think i will. i do like art, i do think it's given my life meaning. "but to what end" feels like the most hollow looping thought. i should delete that platitude from my novel
in the past two years, two of my closest friends died. i think they were struggling in similar ways to the way i am, but they were also drug addicts, and i don't want to die the way they did. i do, however, envy them often, for not having to worry about jobs, relationships, health, "art," or problems with their skin
i don't want to get drunk or go to graduate school. i don't want to be involved in the selling (or the unsellable nature) of my novel
at times i've wanted to erase my cat from my memory (a la 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' (2004)), to alleviate the concerns and constraints she creates for me. i don't think i'd have trouble breaking the lease on this apartment. my car is in good working condition, though i am worried that i overfilled my gas tank last night
2 comments:
I enjoy reading what you write, but from the outside it feels like so much of it is so deeply self-indulgent. I'm writing this without judgement because that seems like the tendency in everyone, but you'd do well to get outside of yourself. You're smart, maybe too smart to take a step in the direction you need to because you think it'll be more interesting.
it is self-indulgent. i'm aware of that. i'm sorry you feel the need to give me advice about what to do. maybe you're too stupid to understand that i'd be self aware enough to recognize the nature of my own work and not adjust it to cater to other people's desires. this is a personal blog. if it's not speaking to you, there are other blogs you might look at instead
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